past breastfeeding struggles

To catch up to this point, this is some of my earlier breast feeding struggles...

 ugh! im so frustrated with the breastfeeding.

it all started in the hosp. zoey wouldnt latch on so the lactation consultants and nurses had me on the nipple shield, which is used for inverted nipples, which i dont have. she really wanted nothing to do with nursing and just slept and we had to keep waking her up. they had me trying to nurse for 30 mins at a time every 2 hours with this stupid shield. my nipples were raw and started bleeding. the day we left they said she was jaundice and had us return for her tests everyday for almost a week. meanwhile she had brick stains in her diaper at this point, which is dehydration. so the pediatrician was concerned and said after every feeding i had to supplement her with the formula and we had to keep going back for weigh ins. she made her weigh in and i told her i was having trouble and she said just to keep trying. but she didnt want me nursing so long so often because she was comfort sucking and causing me pain.

so by now my nipples are beyond hurt and i swear i cried more then she did. so i decided i was going to pump. i had very little milk. looked up nipple shield online and it said yea it will lesson the supply because im not being stimulated enough.

so the supplementation continues, i try the herb fenugreek to help increase supply to not find it much help. it makes me smell like syrup and sweat like a man. pumping is at 2 oz a session now. trying to wean off the shield, efforts are met with screaming.

 but now thats not enough. she needs more, way more, she was able to consume 8 oz without vomiting, in this tiny little body. i felt like a horrible mom who cant make enough. but shes not suppose to have that much yet, so shes still comfort sucking, which i now desperately need her to do to me so i can have a supply.

so currently she is off the shield, thank goodness. but she still cant latch right. i nurse her for around 20 mins total now and then give her a pacifier and she seems content. my nipple hurts still and comes out of her mouth looking like a new tube of lipstick, which means shes not taking it far enough in. ive been feeding all hours of the day and night and met with screams of who knows what. either hunger or comfort me.

i just feel like i was doomed from the beginning. it was labor day weekend when we were there and i felt like everyone had a place to be and didnt want to take time to really sit there and help us. they just gave me the shield and that was that. i kinda feel the dr is also more for formula anyway. or maybe not educated enough in breastfeeding. i just feel like every time i talk to her she pushes me to the bottle. maybe she just senses my frustration. and its a shame cause i really like her. my mom has tried to help me, she nursed, and she cant get her to latch on me either. (do you have any idea how many peoples hands of been on my nipple shoving it in zoeys mouth...lol)

i know that no pump can get out what a baby can, but clearly my baby cant either...ugh... but i currently can only get 1.5 out of my left and barely a .5 out of the right. I want to go on medication for increase supply but feel like more nursing correctly is the better way to go, i just hope its not too late. but with work coming up in 2 weeks i dont have much time to start getting a system down and some tiny supply for the freezer.

hopefully i can get a little more insight tomorrow from the dr. and zoey starts catching on. i just need her to open alittle wider. i just feel like this is a losing battle but i so desperately want her solely on breast milk. but she will be eating solids before we get the hang of this...sighs...

any insight is more then welcomed.