the bigger they are the harder they fall....

 i had my annual at the gyno. i got up really early so i could shower and get ready and wake zoey up earlier to tire her out so she could nap while we were there...yea right. they are seriously the sloooowest drs ive ever been to. so of course she was awake and less then enthused to be in the car seat. the visit seemed to go well. i did ask her what she wanted me to be before we tried to conceive again. she told me 150, anything else is pretty unrealistic. that broke me and i felt pretty defeated. no i will not be 89lbs but i will not stop at 150, that still has me in the over weight catagory and that is just not acceptable. not for me or my twinkle in daddys eye baby to be.
Ive also started on loestrin 24 fe.  im not really caring about the birth control aspect, im just despite to get a control on my acne. ive had it for years and quite frankly im just so sick of it.

our dane is not doing so well. he seemed to have lost a lot of weight when we came home from vacation a month ago, and started limping a little on his back legs. we had him scheduled to get his neuter done next week but because hes over 5 he needed blood work done. so the day before that i noticed his front leg had a huge bump on it, and it made me really worried. i called him and he canceled the appointment at the neuter clinic then made one at the vets instead.

i brought him inside and he just laid around and i put some ice on his leg

he was beyond excited to have that on....lol. so jim took him in and he met some cats and some other little dogs but since he was so nervous he didnt even make a sound. he got onto the scale and weighed in at 123. he had lost a lot of weight. they took him back and he checked out great. so they take an xray, this is where jim stopped texting me, and that had me worrying.

jim comes home and walks tank to the yard. he comes in and loses it. tank has bone cancer, and only has 3-6 months left to live. we cant believe it and are totally devastated. we could give him an amputation and chemo but we decided to make his last few weeks as comfortable as we can and put him to sleep. its going to be such a sad day when we have to do that. and im not sure how i feel about going back there with him. but i need to because thats when he needs us there the most <3

my bitter sweet day

today was a really sweet day. zoeys been teething so its been a rough couple days. jims alarm went off early today and woke our sleeping princess. so she was cranky and he went and got her a bottle while i changed her. she drank her 6 oz of formula but was still feeling a little restless, irritated she still had 4 more hours of sleep left. i was also feeling a little uncomfortable in my chest. i could feel there was not a lot but some milk in there. not wanting to have to unpack my pump and put it all back together i though well it doesnt hurt to see if she will latch one last time. thinking to myself i dont have any idea where the nipple shield is, i prayed that she would latch onto me. so i picked up my little miss and placed her in the football hold on a pillow. took a deep breath...and she latched. for the first time, on me.... perfectly. there was no pain and my nipple didnt come out like a chewed tube of lipstick. she nursed very quickly, much quicker then the pump and not as strong. my heart melted the minute i saw the little drips of the last of my milk dribble out of the side of her mouth. we had made it, she finally learned. those last little drops were worth every minute of my bitter fight to breast feed. while the moment only lasted several minutes, i just felt a total peace over the whole situation. as my little girl nursed herself to sleep once last time in my arms, and i was finally thankful for all i was able to provide for her. i cuddled up next to her and thanked God for every drop she received. im sobbing writing this, hormones ugh, but i cant describe how i feel. while after her nap i offered again and she not so politely refused. i feel so blessed to had not only a very healthy pregnancy and delivery, but a beautiful thriving daughter. there are so many families out there who are not nearly as blessed as we are. While breast feeding was such a blessing in my life, there are so many other things to be thankful for in our lives. Zoey Jane was blessed with both sets of grandparents, and 2 great grand fathers and 4 great grandmothers and lots of aunts and uncles who all love her. Shes growing right on schedule, and completing her milestones ahead of time. She has a beautiful home and an acre yard to play in with a pool, and 2 dogs and a cat to play with...well ok 1 dog and a cat i will let her play with, tank is just too big for her still. and she has parents who love each other very much. ( i mean really the first year of our marriage i was pregnant and the 2nd we have a baby, and hopefully, the 3rd year pregnant again and 4th with a baby...we live with the motto go big or go home around here... lol) with so much to be thankful for it seems a little silly for me to have this hang up about the breastfeeding. the Collison family fought a good fight together, as a team and every time Zoey looks up at me with her big hazel eyes and grins her silly puffy gummed toothless grim, it really reminds me how far we all came...as a family. and for that im so very very thankful.

on another note. the weight loss situation is going well, im still on track and it was nice enough to take zoey and roxy on a walk today. tank is too difficult to walk without the baby but im considering him next time..lol. he walks very nicely on a leash (but hates other males, so he may yank your arm out of the socket as his 200 lb body runs after another dog) but roxy is a zig zag walker who has to sniff everything as we go by ugh! it was cute to see her keep looking in the stroller to make sure her new friend is still doing ok.

I ordered some shoes for zoey off of amazon for the summer and spring time with a 20% off coupon. they are really cute. the T straps are for her easter dress..to which i still am not sure what we are doing and what she is wearing, though i do have like 5 dresses to chose from...lol. and the 2nd pair are a pair of roxy shoes that are more casual but sooo stinking cute.

then i have 2 weddings to go to this year, and i ordered this dress. but hopefully it will only fit for the first one :) my girlfriend at work ordered it for her prom, but its after the wedding. and i cant ask her to wear it before she gets too...lol! oh well. hope it looks good, but if not i can return it. by then i hopefully will be 20 lbs down and tan :)

feeling empty (. )(. )

its been 2 days since ive last pumped. im doing ok. im not in any pain or feel any lumps. I packed up my pump and all my nursing bras and tops. its a very strange feeling to have my chest back. i have a lot more time in my day without washing all my pumping supplies and storage bottles. i feel a peace over the loss though. my daughter is just as happy and healthy. she is still thriving. i really did give her the best start i could and thats all that is important to me :)

i came home from work on saturday and my mom had dropped by while jim was watching zoey. shes been there for me the entire struggle and has held me together through it all. this is what i found when i got home, isnt she the best mom in the world?

 shes so sweet! we wound up taking zoey to the park for the first time! she loved it!

we did have our family weigh in last night. its wasnt that horrible. im still fat, but down 3 pounds. my sister in law rachel had us all join my fitness pal, its a great site to follow your diet and exercise and encourage each other. i have it on my kindle so its easy to take with you.

today is my once a week cooking day, which is stressful but easy to do! having a little one is tricky and this helps us so much. and its great cause when im at the salon, i dont get done until 7 so jim can start heating it up and weve got a homemade yummy meal!  up this week for dinner...

chicken with spinach and portabella orzo
turkey breast with whole wheat stuffing, roasted sweet potatoes, cranberries, and apsaragus
beef chili with spaghetti squash
chicken supreme casserole
chicken ceasar salad with veggie soup
beef strew with sweet potatoes
grilled chicken tacos with homemade pico de gio and guacamole

heres to a delicious week!

hanging up my horns

Today marks the day i will stop pumping. im totally bummed about it. i still feel like a total failure. What could have I done differently? is my weight a factor in my milk supply? Did i really give it every ounce of my strength? am i quitting because of total vanity? am i basically telling zoey her future sibling is more important then she is? am i martyr?

I just dont feel like exclusive pumping is at all helpful to my family anymore. I surpassed my first goal of 3 months and fought tooth and nail to get to 6 months. Im tired of being tied to my pump and not being able to sleep for solid chunks of time. I hate sitting on the floor at the bathroom at work praying people can read the sign that says in use and pray no icky germs crawl into the bottles. I hate that my husband feels neglected. i hate my medicine makes me gain weight and ruined my skin. I feel that i really did give it all i had

 my poor husband has faithfully held our daughter every time i had to pump for a half hour, every time i had to power pump for an hour and a half. hes bought me 2 breast pumps and accessories at $700 and another $300 on my pills. I never set out to nurse for the cheapness of it. but its starting to really add up. and i cant keep asking him for more and more. hes always supportive in my hair brained schemes. hes let me buy all my kitchen aid attachments to make homemade baby food, and hes got every cloth diaper i wanted and the cloth luxuries. hes handed me his credit card without even questioning what its for, he knows its for his little princess, and his queen. i feel horrible that this little pumping box has taken his spot in my life. i cant tell you the last time i took the time to tell him how thankful i am he has been there in my life and my struggles breastfeeding. and i guess i will have to tell him soon, as he pretends to read this blog...lol.

i guess i just have to see it as I made it 6 months longer then anyone who never tired, i aimed for over a year but that was well before i had any issues with my supply. Plus it is important for me to get this weight off. Looking back on the 1000s of pics of zoey im like in 10 of them because i wouldnt dare get in a picture looking fat. i hate that.i dont want her to look back and say where were you mom? you know maybe i do, and my skinny self will say oh i was too fat but not anymore...lol and i pray the day never comes that she would understand where im coming from. i cant let her get fat. i cant give her a complex either...sighs. i just want her to be a healthy happy girl for the rest of her sweet life.

im still not feeling any better and im sure these weaning hormones arent helping matters. i took a month to drop from 20 oz a day trying to lesson the blow.  with another period i think coming ive dipped and took advantage of it. but geez the hormones....ugh...today i think ive totaled 1 oz. and i have 1 more pump tonight, i dont think ill get anything, but it will be i guess more symbolic or ceremonial for me. i do feel confidant its the right thing for not only me but my family. formula wont kill her and i gave her tons and tons of milk to help her body and mind grow. shes been eating a lot more solid food now too that helps. I really thought id be doing better then this. ive had 5 months to mourn the loss of breastfeeding. there is nothing in the whole world that i longed more for then to have that closeness with my daughter. but i guess in time the wounds will heal and ill find myself on this road again giving it all i have again. :) but i wonder will i be excited to try again or scared to death. right now im more afraid of nursing failure then i am of child birth. crazy right, but then again i had a pretty comfortable labor...lol...

well off to make my hubby dinner and remember that right now 6 months ago i was 7 cm and had yet to meet the little love of my life <3

Begining of our family diet

well its time to officially begin our family diet. ive gained wayyyyy to much and its killing me. I want to feel comfortable and healthy. I want this next child to have everything that i can give them. I want my children to have a healthy mom who can keep up with them and one who wants to be in photographs instead of hiding because shes way to fat to have a picture taken. i want to document this pregnancy with photos of my stomach and not be ashamed. i want  people to be able to look at me and know without a doubt that i am pregnant.

there was a time when i just totally gave up on any self worth and threw in the towel on myself. this is that day. id been to the gym faithfully for months, and threw it away. i really wish i hadnt. and as a side note, sometimes words hurt. so be careful when you say them. be sure they are not in anger. they affect people way more then you can ever imagine. im not blaming my weight gain on them, but they played a huge role in my self worth...

my senior prom 2003

graduation 2003

ive always been pretty thin, a size 2 at the largest  in high school. they arent kidding about the freshman 15..or 30 or more. and yea i understand i will never be a swimsuit model, i wouldnt trade my earned mommy body for a teenage girls. but i need to feel more comfortable in my own skin.

Were starting a weight loss challenge in our family.  and im excited to get started.

were having a money pot for the winner, and if i win im buying skinny maternity clothes!