hanging up my horns

Today marks the day i will stop pumping. im totally bummed about it. i still feel like a total failure. What could have I done differently? is my weight a factor in my milk supply? Did i really give it every ounce of my strength? am i quitting because of total vanity? am i basically telling zoey her future sibling is more important then she is? am i martyr?

I just dont feel like exclusive pumping is at all helpful to my family anymore. I surpassed my first goal of 3 months and fought tooth and nail to get to 6 months. Im tired of being tied to my pump and not being able to sleep for solid chunks of time. I hate sitting on the floor at the bathroom at work praying people can read the sign that says in use and pray no icky germs crawl into the bottles. I hate that my husband feels neglected. i hate my medicine makes me gain weight and ruined my skin. I feel that i really did give it all i had

 my poor husband has faithfully held our daughter every time i had to pump for a half hour, every time i had to power pump for an hour and a half. hes bought me 2 breast pumps and accessories at $700 and another $300 on my pills. I never set out to nurse for the cheapness of it. but its starting to really add up. and i cant keep asking him for more and more. hes always supportive in my hair brained schemes. hes let me buy all my kitchen aid attachments to make homemade baby food, and hes got every cloth diaper i wanted and the cloth luxuries. hes handed me his credit card without even questioning what its for, he knows its for his little princess, and his queen. i feel horrible that this little pumping box has taken his spot in my life. i cant tell you the last time i took the time to tell him how thankful i am he has been there in my life and my struggles breastfeeding. and i guess i will have to tell him soon, as he pretends to read this blog...lol.

i guess i just have to see it as I made it 6 months longer then anyone who never tired, i aimed for over a year but that was well before i had any issues with my supply. Plus it is important for me to get this weight off. Looking back on the 1000s of pics of zoey im like in 10 of them because i wouldnt dare get in a picture looking fat. i hate that.i dont want her to look back and say where were you mom? you know maybe i do, and my skinny self will say oh i was too fat but not anymore...lol and i pray the day never comes that she would understand where im coming from. i cant let her get fat. i cant give her a complex either...sighs. i just want her to be a healthy happy girl for the rest of her sweet life.

im still not feeling any better and im sure these weaning hormones arent helping matters. i took a month to drop from 20 oz a day trying to lesson the blow.  with another period i think coming ive dipped and took advantage of it. but geez the hormones....ugh...today i think ive totaled 1 oz. and i have 1 more pump tonight, i dont think ill get anything, but it will be i guess more symbolic or ceremonial for me. i do feel confidant its the right thing for not only me but my family. formula wont kill her and i gave her tons and tons of milk to help her body and mind grow. shes been eating a lot more solid food now too that helps. I really thought id be doing better then this. ive had 5 months to mourn the loss of breastfeeding. there is nothing in the whole world that i longed more for then to have that closeness with my daughter. but i guess in time the wounds will heal and ill find myself on this road again giving it all i have again. :) but i wonder will i be excited to try again or scared to death. right now im more afraid of nursing failure then i am of child birth. crazy right, but then again i had a pretty comfortable labor...lol...

well off to make my hubby dinner and remember that right now 6 months ago i was 7 cm and had yet to meet the little love of my life <3